‘Tis the season to be jolly! Or, so they say. Unfortunately, I’m a crank. Not really, but some people think I am. I’ve been called Scrooge so many times that I’m beginning to think the story is about me. However, I know that it is not. One, I’m not filthy stinkin’ rich. Two, I actually care for people and I didn’t need a visit from two crazy spirits and one rather spooky one to make me care. Christmas doesn’t have anything to do with it. It’s who I am. But, I do admit, Christmas time does make me a crank for a number of reasons. I’ll only share ten.
- CHRISTmas. We get it. Christmas is about Christ’s birth. The whole world knows and you capitalizing the word Christ all the way through in Christmas isn’t going to further that belief. We are well aware that the word Christ is in the word Christmas. You also don’t need to pronounce it Christ-mas. We’re not idiots. You may be, but we’re not.
- Satan Caus. This is the transposed words of Santa Claus and the removal of the letter “L” from Claus. This is a pitiful attempt by the nutty to show that Christmas is really about the devil. For the record, we understand that Christmas day is not the actual day of Christ’s birth. It is merely a symbolic day of his birth. Yes, he was probably not born during winter time. Yes, December 25th was a pagan holiday before the Christians took it over. Yes, the tree served as some kind of nature symbol for something or rather. Whatever. That was a thousand years ago! I think the statute of limitations is out for arguing against celebrating Christ’s birth on December 25th. The tradition is set. There is no more turning back. The vote is over, baby! Either celebrate or don’t, but if you’re not going to, then shut-up!
- Black Friday. I’m disgusted by a couple of things. One, the lines for a deal on a hunk of plastic junk that, in five years, you’ll hate because it’s not the latest and greatest. Two, the scramble for the greatest toy ever invented because your brat kid will throw a fit if he or she won’t have it on Christmas morning. Three, the idea that people are saving money on Black Friday. No, you’re spending money. You only received a discount. Nobody gave you money to put in your savings account. You didn’t save anything. If you didn’t go out and spend $1,000, you would have saved a $1,000. Now that’s savings! But, you spent $1,000. You’re in the hole.
- Santa Baby. I want to run my car off a bridge when that song plays on the radio.
- Happy Holidays. Are we that lazy in this country? Stupid question, I know. After all, we are the fattest nation on this planet. But, really, happy holidays? You can’t take the time to actually learn something about the people you’re talking to and say, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, or Merry Christmas? Do you have the unnecessary need for everyone to like you without actually being a real person? No, Gary, it’s not about laziness. It’s about not being offensive. Oh, that’s better. No, actually, it’s not. If you are the type of person who gets offended by the words Merry Christmas then you are an awful human being. Yeah, I said it. Get off your high horse and allow a little joy in your life! Even if you don’t agree with the notion that Jesus Christ was born and lived, it’s still a holiday where people sing songs, give gifts, and smile for a brief moment in their miserable existence, you scowling monkey’s uncle! Someone telling you Merry Christmas is not an offense. Calling you an asshole is, though. Have some perspective.
- Gift Guilt. Ever gave someone a gift then watch them run out to their car and rip the name off a gift they received and give it to you? How did that make you feel? If you’re the one who ripped and gave, how did that make you feel? Can I share a little secret? Gifts are given because someone loves you and wants to show you that love in the form of a present. It makes them feel good. They like to see your face when you open that tin of popcorn, ugly tie, or sweater with a cat painted on it. It gives them joy! They do not care if you have a gift for them in return. Now, on that note, if you are the type of person who gives gifts solely for the purpose of receiving gifts in return, then you are despicable. That’s right! You’re rotten to the core. I hope you get socks and Jovan Musk. Learn to give and receive with grace and appreciation.
- Decorating. I have to admit, I hate decorating the tree. I don’t like decorations for anything, really. They’re a pain to put up and a pain to take down. I don’t like rearranging my whole life for the sake of ambiance.
- Wrapping presents. I’m awful at it. That’s all I have to say about it.
- Pressure. Let’s face it. Christmas time is a high pressure situation. It shouldn’t be, but it is. There are parties, dinners, gifts, and weather. You’re under the gun to get things done in time. Shipping! Let’s not forget about shipping presents to everyone you know around the world! What does little Johnny want? Do you think little Sue will like this? I don’t know! They’ll break it in a week anyway. Put it in a box and ship it! Hurry! We don’t have time!
- Depression. Here’s another thing we need to face: Christmas time is a time of depression for many people. There are plenty of reasons as to why. They could be clinically depressed. They are poor and can’t really provide a Merry Christmas for their loved ones. Christmas is a reminder of how they have, once again, failed at accomplishing anything for the year. Gone are the days of simple Christmas mornings, unfortunately. Some people are alone for the holiday. Their family has died off or left. Their friends are busy with their families. I’m getting depressed just writing about all this.
That’s ten things that I don’t like about Christmas. Tomorrow, I’ll write about ten things I like about Christmas, if only to prove that I’m not a scrooge. Please, save your Christmas time judgement of my character until tomorrow, thank you.
Final thought: slow down, take a look around, appreciate the people in your lives, and concentrate on giving them a Merry Christmas. After all, ’tis the season to make others jolly! Fa la la la…