As I pulled into the parking lot, I spotted a space right next to the cart corral. It’s my favorite spot to park when I’m at the grocery store. Most think that the first spot near the door is the primo spot, but most people are goobers. And if you’re in America, most people are fat and lazy. However, most people, including the fat and lazy ones, are wrong. The beauty of parking next to the corral is that I can unload my bags into my car then simply take three steps and relieve myself of the responsibility of caring for the grocery cart. I’m in and out, lickity-split!
So, I started to park and what did I see? I saw a grocery cart in the space. It was in the mother-lovin parking space sitting up against the metal post of the corral! Some mouth breathing, wedgie picking slob of a human being was too lazy to walk two feet and deposit the cart into the corral! Two feet! Immediately, the blood vessels in my head started to throb, my throat tightened, and I felt a fire rising up in me. I turned to my son and said, “You have got to be kidding me! Pay attention to this, son. This is a great lesson in human behavior. Most people are monkeys and through pure initiative and purpose, you can rule the monkeys.”
I hate the monkeys. Not the band. They’re all right. Not bad for a couple actors forced to become an American version of The Beatles. They didn’t quite make it, but everybody still knows who they are… were. Some are dead. One is dead. Anyway, the monkeys I’m referring to are the kind I just railed against above. The world is full of them. Unfortunately for the rest of us that are trying to live a happy and fulfilling life on this planet, technology and modern medicine has allowed these cousin-lovers to go on living. If we lived during the Stone Age, nature would have selected the monkeys to go bye-bye. So, how do you spot a monkey? Or better yet, how do you tell if you’re a monkey or not? Here are a few to get you started.
The Let Everybody In Traffic Monkey
This is the guy who is always five car lengths short of the light, waving everybody to cut in or across oncoming traffic. He’s the guy that will stay stopped even after the light turns green in order to allow EVERYBODY to join the fun! This is also the guy that causes more traffic accidents than a cellphone.
The Bluetooth Monkey
Speaking of cellphone… This is the guy who talks to thin air in the middle of a restaurant. He feels that he must talk loud, because he has a dull understanding of modern phone technology. This guy is worse than a jukebox stuck on Right Said Fred’s I’m Too Sexy. If you spot a bluetooth monkey, do everyone in the immediate area a solid. Walk up to his table and start talking as loud as you can to the invisible person next to him. He’ll get the picture.
The It’s Not Mine So I Don’t Have To Care About It Monkey
This guy is the worst of all the other monkeys. He takes no responsibility for anything. He is basically ignoring the rules of society and is only out for numero uno. He’s the guy at the gym who doesn’t put the weights away or wipe off the bench. He’s the guy at the store that changes his mind about buying butter then stuffs it on the canned goods shelf. He’s the guy that tosses his trash out the window, who puts his feet on the chair at the movie theater, who cuts you off in traffic. He’s everyone’s nemesis and must be stopped before something terrible happens.
There are many more monkeys, but I don’t have the time or the patience to list through them all. It boils my nuts. So, to all you monkeys and would be monkeys, please, whatever it is that you are doing, take a moment to realize that you are part of a large group of people known as the human race. We depend on each other. The rest of us are pulling our weight and yours. It won’t last long, though. Sooner or later, the rest of us are going to let go of the rope. Then you’re going to be neck deep in your own feces wondering what the hell just happened.